Welcome to American Christian - Volume One.
The idea for this project came from a compilation CD I made about a year ago. The idea is that the sequence of songs chronicles the kinds of experiences I've observed in my own life and similar ones I've observed in the lives of people around me. The common thread is that we've more or less grown up in the church, or at least with significant churchy influences.
While everyone is unique and their experiences as well, there do seem to be similarities amongst people, particularly in our demographic (the 20s), that reflect a slightly bitter and jaded attitude towards religion. Some of us come out of it, some don’t; some come out of it quickly, some come out of it slowly. Just as it is with salvation and sanctification (and that’s what this really is; that’s what everyone’s life is, a matter of sanctification), it’s none of our business to speculate who is or isn’t in what place or time along the road to salvation. The only folks we can be remotely sure of are ourselves, and even that can be questionable. However, it is good to know there are these similar struggles experienced across humanity. We can learn much from each other by example and teaching.
For the last couple of months I've been posting on my main blog, roughly twice a week, a 19 part narrative expanding on the themes of each song in relation to what I call the American Christian Experience. However, I don't think it's necessarily limited to just Americans but perhaps could be connected with any westernized culture. I'm no sociologist though; I only know what I see, hear, and read.
So here is the entire 19 part series, all in one place, posted in such a manner that it's easier to read from start to finish. At the beginning of each post is an excerpt of lyrics from that song, and the excerpts are linked to the iTunes store where you can purchase them yourself and make your own compilation CD if you like. If you can relate at all to this blog, you probably already own some of them (or used to). The exception being AC.XII which comes from the website OverClockedRemix.org. The song featured in that post is the only legally free one in the series.
And this is indee volume one. Work on volume two has begun.
Thank you for reading.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
American Christian.I - Movie of My Life
Someone else is playing me,
Someone I don't really like
I am just an extra
And I don't have many lines
I'm just standing in the shadows of the corners of my mind
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our hero grew up with churchy influences as his parents made him go to Sunday School and the service every week. For awhile he resented it, as children are wont to do. But then around the time he was old enough to join the youth group he began to enjoy the whole experience.
But now he's reached that point, let's say about his sophomore or junior year of high school, where he begins to take stock of life. What does it all mean? What is he going to do with the time allotted to him on earth? He knows God is there but he's not exactly sure what even means.
He knows all the right sayings and proverbs: "Let go and let God," "God is in control," and "Jesus is the answer."
So he blindly goes forward, searching for answers...
Someone I don't really like
I am just an extra
And I don't have many lines
I'm just standing in the shadows of the corners of my mind
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our hero grew up with churchy influences as his parents made him go to Sunday School and the service every week. For awhile he resented it, as children are wont to do. But then around the time he was old enough to join the youth group he began to enjoy the whole experience.
But now he's reached that point, let's say about his sophomore or junior year of high school, where he begins to take stock of life. What does it all mean? What is he going to do with the time allotted to him on earth? He knows God is there but he's not exactly sure what even means.
He knows all the right sayings and proverbs: "Let go and let God," "God is in control," and "Jesus is the answer."
So he blindly goes forward, searching for answers...
American Christian.II - Go West, Young Man...
...when the evil goes east.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Not knowing what else to do, our hero goes on a youth retreat.
"It's great, you'll love it!" he hears from other kids.
"It'll change your life!" the youth pastor assures him.
While there, he finds a whole host of people just like him. Teenagers wondering what to do with their lives; those who have wondered but have received a calling - "Jesus is the answer!" they declare. "Just pray and have faith!" They obviously know what they're talking about, because they're wearing t-shirts that have controversial bible verses and illustrations on them, driving home biblical principles so that no matter where they go, they're not just living out a witness for Christ, they're literally wearing their biblical doctrine for all to see! Our hero's favorite is one that features the declaration: "God's last name is not dammit."
And they listen to Christian rock and none of that worldly crap. The Christian rock sounds remarkably similar to the secular repertoire, but it's obviously better because it's for the King of Kings instead of the King of Capitalism.
It all makes sense to the young man, and though he prayed the prayer of salvation at a young age, he suddenly feels unsure of his eternal destiny and decides to rededicate his life.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Not knowing what else to do, our hero goes on a youth retreat.
"It's great, you'll love it!" he hears from other kids.
"It'll change your life!" the youth pastor assures him.
While there, he finds a whole host of people just like him. Teenagers wondering what to do with their lives; those who have wondered but have received a calling - "Jesus is the answer!" they declare. "Just pray and have faith!" They obviously know what they're talking about, because they're wearing t-shirts that have controversial bible verses and illustrations on them, driving home biblical principles so that no matter where they go, they're not just living out a witness for Christ, they're literally wearing their biblical doctrine for all to see! Our hero's favorite is one that features the declaration: "God's last name is not dammit."
And they listen to Christian rock and none of that worldly crap. The Christian rock sounds remarkably similar to the secular repertoire, but it's obviously better because it's for the King of Kings instead of the King of Capitalism.
It all makes sense to the young man, and though he prayed the prayer of salvation at a young age, he suddenly feels unsure of his eternal destiny and decides to rededicate his life.
American Christian.III - Alive
ALIVE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oh, man, Jesus rocks!! Pure, raw emotion courses through the veins of our hero! He’s prayed the prayer and can feel the filling of the Spirit within his soul! It’s the first time he’s ever felt anything other than fear or dread in relation to God. For the first time his faith is made personal and it’s wonderful.
Suddenly, calling Jesus his “homeboy” seems utterly appropriate. And if this wonderful feeling can happen to him - one who instantly realizes his unworthiness and wretchedness before the throne and then in the very next moment feels the love of Jesus – then this can happen to anybody! And, according to his reasoning, it should happen to everybody! Only thing…he’s kind of shy…
He’s not afraid to stand up when he knows what to stand up for, or when it just moves within him to act (which, up to this point, has been very rare). So he’s not exactly sure how to go about spreading this wonderful news. Good thing he has all of the Christian rock bands and books on Christian Living to guide him…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oh, man, Jesus rocks!! Pure, raw emotion courses through the veins of our hero! He’s prayed the prayer and can feel the filling of the Spirit within his soul! It’s the first time he’s ever felt anything other than fear or dread in relation to God. For the first time his faith is made personal and it’s wonderful.
Suddenly, calling Jesus his “homeboy” seems utterly appropriate. And if this wonderful feeling can happen to him - one who instantly realizes his unworthiness and wretchedness before the throne and then in the very next moment feels the love of Jesus – then this can happen to anybody! And, according to his reasoning, it should happen to everybody! Only thing…he’s kind of shy…
He’s not afraid to stand up when he knows what to stand up for, or when it just moves within him to act (which, up to this point, has been very rare). So he’s not exactly sure how to go about spreading this wonderful news. Good thing he has all of the Christian rock bands and books on Christian Living to guide him…
American Christian.IV - Live Out Loud
Live out loud!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Duh! Just get out there and do it! Show the world how happy Jesus makes you! It's a sad, sad sorrowful world out there and they need the joy of God, so just put on that happy face and spread the news!
And don't forget your WWJD bracelet! That way there'll be no doubt about your intentions. And don't forget your controversial-looking Christian t-shirt - how else do you expect to start a conversation?
Oh yes, and don't forget all your intellectual arguments for the skeptics. They need that hard, historical, archaeological evidence if they're ever going to be proved wrong for the glory of God.
Be sure to say an outspoken prayer before any time you eat, even if it's someone only sharing their potato chips with you - give thanks to the maker of those who made the potato chips for his glory! Not an ounce, not a shred, not a sliver of glory is to be robbed from God! If you think about it, be sure to thank God for every breath you take as you take it. That is a mark of true dedication and the heathens will be so impressed by your faith they'll be falling down left and right. So be sure to have plenty copies of the Four Spiritual Laws on hand, too.
You're on your way, kid...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Duh! Just get out there and do it! Show the world how happy Jesus makes you! It's a sad, sad sorrowful world out there and they need the joy of God, so just put on that happy face and spread the news!
And don't forget your WWJD bracelet! That way there'll be no doubt about your intentions. And don't forget your controversial-looking Christian t-shirt - how else do you expect to start a conversation?
Oh yes, and don't forget all your intellectual arguments for the skeptics. They need that hard, historical, archaeological evidence if they're ever going to be proved wrong for the glory of God.
Be sure to say an outspoken prayer before any time you eat, even if it's someone only sharing their potato chips with you - give thanks to the maker of those who made the potato chips for his glory! Not an ounce, not a shred, not a sliver of glory is to be robbed from God! If you think about it, be sure to thank God for every breath you take as you take it. That is a mark of true dedication and the heathens will be so impressed by your faith they'll be falling down left and right. So be sure to have plenty copies of the Four Spiritual Laws on hand, too.
You're on your way, kid...
American Christian.V - Sing Along
If I sing a song, will you sing along?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's been a week - the heathens aren't falling to the Savior left and right. No one's commented on the t-shirts or expressed their admiration for the WWJD bracelet; in fact, someone mistook it for the new Krispy Kreme marketing campaign: "Who Wants Jelly Dougnuts?" A couple of the weaker Christians who don't wear the t-shirts have given feeble attempts at compliments saying our hero is braver than they...
"What am I doing wrong?" he wonders. "Walk by faith, not by sight" pops into his mind. Right - feelings are never to be trusted, he remembers. "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" He remembers he's an evil, evil creature, beyond redemption except for Jesus' condescension towards him in pulling him from the flames. Had he a whip, he'd engage in self-flagellation like a good Christian, but since such things aren't allowed on campus he settles for simple words and berates himself.
So just keep on singing along - especially when you don't feel like it.
You're almost there...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's been a week - the heathens aren't falling to the Savior left and right. No one's commented on the t-shirts or expressed their admiration for the WWJD bracelet; in fact, someone mistook it for the new Krispy Kreme marketing campaign: "Who Wants Jelly Dougnuts?" A couple of the weaker Christians who don't wear the t-shirts have given feeble attempts at compliments saying our hero is braver than they...
"What am I doing wrong?" he wonders. "Walk by faith, not by sight" pops into his mind. Right - feelings are never to be trusted, he remembers. "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" He remembers he's an evil, evil creature, beyond redemption except for Jesus' condescension towards him in pulling him from the flames. Had he a whip, he'd engage in self-flagellation like a good Christian, but since such things aren't allowed on campus he settles for simple words and berates himself.
So just keep on singing along - especially when you don't feel like it.
You're almost there...
American Christian.VI - Life In My Day
Just a little more!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He just needs to do a little more…
Wash
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He just needs to do a little more…
Wash
American Christian.VII - Real World
I just wish it'd quit bothering me...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oh yeah, this is the life - college. Our hero has learned to not bother with “real world” issues – God takes care of the rest! He just needs to live on faith and God will supply the money for the bills and obligations; that’s what student loans are for, right? Just do whatever you want, prefacing it with the phrase “for God’s glory” and you can’t go wrong! After all, Jesus wants us to have a good time, right? Christians are happy, shiny people and our hero knows he should be sure to keep that image up at all times because all of the heathens are watching you- er, him – especially now. He'll be sure to spend that borrowed money (after all, he reasons, everything is on loan to us from God, right?) on having all kinds of fun because he absolutely must prove that Christians can have fun without alcohol.
Almost there…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oh yeah, this is the life - college. Our hero has learned to not bother with “real world” issues – God takes care of the rest! He just needs to live on faith and God will supply the money for the bills and obligations; that’s what student loans are for, right? Just do whatever you want, prefacing it with the phrase “for God’s glory” and you can’t go wrong! After all, Jesus wants us to have a good time, right? Christians are happy, shiny people and our hero knows he should be sure to keep that image up at all times because all of the heathens are watching you- er, him – especially now. He'll be sure to spend that borrowed money (after all, he reasons, everything is on loan to us from God, right?) on having all kinds of fun because he absolutely must prove that Christians can have fun without alcohol.
Almost there…
American Christian.VIII - Imitation of Life
That's sugarcane that tasted good
That's cinnamon, that's Hollywood
Come on, come on
No one can see you try
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Something’s not right…The campus ministry meetings are fun, but our hero doesn’t get the same rush he did when he first sang “How Great is Our God.” Even the key change in “In Christ Alone” isn’t as potent as it used to be. The parties and times of hanging out are okay, but he can only talk about the same things so many times, and a lot of people have moved on to other social circles or activities. In class when he's asked about what his stance on any given subject is, he instinctively answers , “Pro-life!” or “Because the bible says so!” without putting too much thought into it. When classmates counter his statements he's able to recall the arguments he learned in high school that have only been bolstered by the “Evangelism Equipping” seminars held by his campus ministry. But even with those his voice lacks…something…arguing is no problem, but convincing, converting the lost seems to be lacking.
Won’t be long now, but how long is that…?
That's cinnamon, that's Hollywood
Come on, come on
No one can see you try
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Something’s not right…The campus ministry meetings are fun, but our hero doesn’t get the same rush he did when he first sang “How Great is Our God.” Even the key change in “In Christ Alone” isn’t as potent as it used to be. The parties and times of hanging out are okay, but he can only talk about the same things so many times, and a lot of people have moved on to other social circles or activities. In class when he's asked about what his stance on any given subject is, he instinctively answers , “Pro-life!” or “Because the bible says so!” without putting too much thought into it. When classmates counter his statements he's able to recall the arguments he learned in high school that have only been bolstered by the “Evangelism Equipping” seminars held by his campus ministry. But even with those his voice lacks…something…arguing is no problem, but convincing, converting the lost seems to be lacking.
Won’t be long now, but how long is that…?
American Christian.IX - Persona
Every morning I put it onI walk outside and I am gone
And I don't seem to mind anymore
I can't think what it was like before
I wore it all the time
In the evening I take it off
But there's another one underneath
And I can't seem to find
The bottom of the stack
I might just lose my mind and never get it back
But at least I'll get inside
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How do you like your eggs?
Depends on who’s asking…
Why do you love Jesus?
Because he first loved me.
How do you know he loves you?
The sacrificial work he did on the cross.
What exactly did he do on the cross?
He acted as the propitiation for my sins so that I can go to heaven and give glory to God.
What are your sins?
Idolatry, rebellion, lust, deception…the list goes on.
And do you feel forgiven?
It’s not a matter of feeling – it’s a matter of knowing.
Do you know you’re forgiven?
It says so in the bible.
And you believe it?
Of course.
Would you consider yourself a good guy?
No, I’m evil, sinful and depraved.
So why should you go to heaven?
Haven’t we already been over this?
Do you feel loved?
The bible says God loves me.
I didn’t mean by God, I meant in general.
It doesn’t matter; only God’s love matters.
And do you feel it?
I told you – it doesn’t matter what I feel, it’s what the bible says.
American Christian.X - It Hasn't Happened Yet
Our hero speaks:
It was Christmas and I was alone. Strange city, strangers for friends…and I was broke. As the carolers sang their song, I dreamt of success – I would be the best; I would make my folks proud…I would be happy…it hasn’t happened, yet. It hasn’t happened, yet. It hasn’t happened…
Yes, there are nods in my direction, a clap of hands, a knowing smile. But still…I’m scared again. Foot slipped, pebbles fall and so did I, almost…I’m high, onYosemite , the big gray wall. Fear of falling – where do I put my foot next? Fear of failure – I’m afraid I’m going to fall. “Be at one with the mountain,” I whisper into the air…when is the mountain scared? When do I feel I haven’t failed?
I have got to get it together, man!
It hasn’t happened, yet…it hasn’t happened…
People come up and say, “hello.” Okay…I can get to the front of the line, but you have to ignore the looks, and…yet…I’m waiting for that feeling of contentment, that ease at night when you put your head down and the rhythm slow to sleep…my head sways and eyes start awake, I’m there, not halfway between sleep and death, but looking into eyes wide open…trying to remember…what I might have done, should’ve done…
At my age I need serenity, I need peace.
It hasn’t happened yet…it hasn’t happened yet…it hasn’t happened, yet…it hasn’t happened…it hasn’t happened…
It was Christmas and I was alone. Strange city, strangers for friends…and I was broke. As the carolers sang their song, I dreamt of success – I would be the best; I would make my folks proud…I would be happy…it hasn’t happened, yet. It hasn’t happened, yet. It hasn’t happened…
Yes, there are nods in my direction, a clap of hands, a knowing smile. But still…I’m scared again. Foot slipped, pebbles fall and so did I, almost…I’m high, on
I have got to get it together, man!
It hasn’t happened, yet…it hasn’t happened…
People come up and say, “hello.” Okay…I can get to the front of the line, but you have to ignore the looks, and…yet…I’m waiting for that feeling of contentment, that ease at night when you put your head down and the rhythm slow to sleep…my head sways and eyes start awake, I’m there, not halfway between sleep and death, but looking into eyes wide open…trying to remember…what I might have done, should’ve done…
At my age I need serenity, I need peace.
It hasn’t happened yet…it hasn’t happened yet…it hasn’t happened, yet…it hasn’t happened…it hasn’t happened…
American Christian.XI - Hurt
Everyone I know goes away in the end...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Stay awake for 48 hours and you'll have an idea of what it feels like.
Stay up all night and all day then try taking an all-night road trip across the Great Plains and you'll have an idea.
Our hero is going back and forth like a pendulum, or around in a circle, passing from spiritually-feeling high times to low times, and each pass around the circle, the highs get higher and the lows get lower.
"What am I doing wrong??!"
Everything works in the moment, but nothing is seeing him through the darkest hours of the night.
Pray away the sins…declare the victory over the darkness…
He feels no victory. All there is for him is words so oft-repeated they’ve attained cliché status. Words which once held great profundity drip from his mouth like sewage from a drain. He’s tired. He gets some beer and since he’s always preached against it and never actually drank any, it’s not long before he’s wasted and having a good old time. A kind-hearted, lonely citizen takes him home as he’s in no shape to walk. He doesn’t care about anything except not feeling alone anymore and the physical intimacy is closer than any “friendship” he’s ever felt. The next morning he’s dying inside, regretting everything he had done. He tries to pray but his fresh memories crash against the doctrine he’s imbibed and he flees from God’s presence in shame. A tear falls to the temple floor…
Our hero runs back to the bedroom only to find his benefactor with someone else; how easily he is replaced.
"It’s no big deal, honey; just go find somebody else."
For quite some time he relishes the anticipation of finding “somebody else.” The realities of pleasure and sexuality which were denied and repressed in worship, yet furiously and dangerously ignited in other realms soon fade and he finds himself numb. The desire for contact has gone from that to hunger, to voracious appetite, to all-consuming; and now he can not be satisfied. He begins acting out of habit, because there’s nothing else to do.
Strangely enough he remembers when “Awesome God” was the best song he had ever heard and he tries to sing it now, but a significant degree of potency is lost. He puts a pill in his mouth, swallows with some assistance from J.D., and the same psychedelic dream starts all over again.
He wonders if he’ll see the gnomes this time…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Stay awake for 48 hours and you'll have an idea of what it feels like.
Stay up all night and all day then try taking an all-night road trip across the Great Plains and you'll have an idea.
Our hero is going back and forth like a pendulum, or around in a circle, passing from spiritually-feeling high times to low times, and each pass around the circle, the highs get higher and the lows get lower.
"What am I doing wrong??!"
Everything works in the moment, but nothing is seeing him through the darkest hours of the night.
Pray away the sins…declare the victory over the darkness…
He feels no victory. All there is for him is words so oft-repeated they’ve attained cliché status. Words which once held great profundity drip from his mouth like sewage from a drain. He’s tired. He gets some beer and since he’s always preached against it and never actually drank any, it’s not long before he’s wasted and having a good old time. A kind-hearted, lonely citizen takes him home as he’s in no shape to walk. He doesn’t care about anything except not feeling alone anymore and the physical intimacy is closer than any “friendship” he’s ever felt. The next morning he’s dying inside, regretting everything he had done. He tries to pray but his fresh memories crash against the doctrine he’s imbibed and he flees from God’s presence in shame. A tear falls to the temple floor…
Our hero runs back to the bedroom only to find his benefactor with someone else; how easily he is replaced.
"It’s no big deal, honey; just go find somebody else."
For quite some time he relishes the anticipation of finding “somebody else.” The realities of pleasure and sexuality which were denied and repressed in worship, yet furiously and dangerously ignited in other realms soon fade and he finds himself numb. The desire for contact has gone from that to hunger, to voracious appetite, to all-consuming; and now he can not be satisfied. He begins acting out of habit, because there’s nothing else to do.
Strangely enough he remembers when “Awesome God” was the best song he had ever heard and he tries to sing it now, but a significant degree of potency is lost. He puts a pill in his mouth, swallows with some assistance from J.D., and the same psychedelic dream starts all over again.
He wonders if he’ll see the gnomes this time…
American Christian.XII - Ruined World (Eternal Derelict)
This song is available for legal download for free, at this website
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He's in a dark room full of people and they're constantly bumping into him but no one says "Excuse me" or "Get out of the way!" they just keep moving without stopping, pausing, or slowing. Someone turns on the lights and he sees why they keep bumping into him - they can't see him. Everyone who passes by has no face - they're only wearing masks.
He tries to speak but his voice is garbled and trapped by the very mask he himself wears. Instead of speaking what he wishes, the mask says, "Hi! I'm fine, how are you? Glorious day, isn't it? Praise Jesus!" It is then he also realizes his vision is somehow affected and he wonders if that's why he can't see the people without their masks. Suddenly it becomes hard to breathe - he panics. He reaches for the edge of his mask but cannot find it - he's worn it so long he can't remember where it ends and he begins. His breathing is stifled - he can only inhale and exhale in small puffs and he's getting light-headed. Everything goes dark...
He wakes up and he's alone. A dim light illuminates his chamber. He can't even lift his head, it feels so heavy. He hears footsteps and looks but sees no one. From the other direction; still no one appears. He sits against the wall and it begins to rain. Water drips through the ceiling and onto his head; it trickles down, somehow between his mask and his head and the sensation drives him mad as he can't locate it with his fingers to wipe it. Tangled in hair and flesh, he yanks and then bleeds. He tries to cry out but the mask only contorts into a smile and laughter fills the room.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An earthquake...something...the ground shakes violently. He's knocked forward, face first into the stony floor and it feels like he's broken his jaw, yet when he moans it is not laughter which follows the earth's upheaval, but indeed a pained moan floats from his cracked lips into the air...he turns over and the only direction he can see anything is up, and he looks through a hole in the ceiling and sees the stars for the first time...
...and then our hero awakens in his dorm room with a killer hangover...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He's in a dark room full of people and they're constantly bumping into him but no one says "Excuse me" or "Get out of the way!" they just keep moving without stopping, pausing, or slowing. Someone turns on the lights and he sees why they keep bumping into him - they can't see him. Everyone who passes by has no face - they're only wearing masks.
He tries to speak but his voice is garbled and trapped by the very mask he himself wears. Instead of speaking what he wishes, the mask says, "Hi! I'm fine, how are you? Glorious day, isn't it? Praise Jesus!" It is then he also realizes his vision is somehow affected and he wonders if that's why he can't see the people without their masks. Suddenly it becomes hard to breathe - he panics. He reaches for the edge of his mask but cannot find it - he's worn it so long he can't remember where it ends and he begins. His breathing is stifled - he can only inhale and exhale in small puffs and he's getting light-headed. Everything goes dark...
He wakes up and he's alone. A dim light illuminates his chamber. He can't even lift his head, it feels so heavy. He hears footsteps and looks but sees no one. From the other direction; still no one appears. He sits against the wall and it begins to rain. Water drips through the ceiling and onto his head; it trickles down, somehow between his mask and his head and the sensation drives him mad as he can't locate it with his fingers to wipe it. Tangled in hair and flesh, he yanks and then bleeds. He tries to cry out but the mask only contorts into a smile and laughter fills the room.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An earthquake...something...the ground shakes violently. He's knocked forward, face first into the stony floor and it feels like he's broken his jaw, yet when he moans it is not laughter which follows the earth's upheaval, but indeed a pained moan floats from his cracked lips into the air...he turns over and the only direction he can see anything is up, and he looks through a hole in the ceiling and sees the stars for the first time...
...and then our hero awakens in his dorm room with a killer hangover...
American Christian.XIII - I'm Not Okay (I Promise)
Forget about the dirty looks
The photographs your boyfriend took
You said you read me like a book, but the pages all are torn and frayed
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He sits in the quad and watches everyone pass by. One or two folks come and say hello to him. He says hello back and they ask how he's doing. He smirks and asks if they really want to know. The one wearing her "Acquire the Fire" shirt gives him a funny look and walks away, but the other stays and says he would like to really know.
"I have a headache from the acid trip I was on last night, which I'm sure came from when I fell on the floor after freaking out. I dropped the acid to try and escape the gnawing emptiness after having slept with about nine different chicks in the last month and a half. One of 'em says she missed her period but everyone else says she's a habitual liar and uses that kind of stuff to secure a relationship; I don't know what to think. I met her at a party and we were drunk and I didn't have any protection but she said she was on the pill so I don't know and I'm a little freaked about that."
The listener nods his head. "That's heavy, man. I'll be praying for you." He gets up and leaves with the derisive laughter of our hero following him. Throughout the day a few more people stop by and inquire of him and he repeats his tale to them all. Some respond with the offer of prayer, some tell him he needs to get right and repent, and one asks if he's doing okay. Our hero looks deeply into the inquirer's eyes and something within his mind clicks.
"No. I'm not okay." For the first time he utters the words; for the first time he articulates exactly how he's feeling and the actual state of his spirit. He's overtaken by a sense of relief and a burden loosened, yet not lifted... He falls back laughing. "I'm not okay at all! Everything's awful! I hate my life! And now I feel better! HA!!" The inquirer is certain our hero has lost his grip on reality and leaves him in the quad as the sun sets.
Not too long after, a Bible study leader is walking nearby on the way to his car and sees our hero lying in the grass. He calls out his name; our hero jolts up. They strike up conversation; the leader is filled in with our hero's oft-repeated story and the most recent development: the feeling of "okay" in admitting his not being such. The leader smiles.
"I know what you mean." Our hero looks at the leader and knows he's telling the truth. "So now what?" Our hero has no idea...
The photographs your boyfriend took
You said you read me like a book, but the pages all are torn and frayed
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He sits in the quad and watches everyone pass by. One or two folks come and say hello to him. He says hello back and they ask how he's doing. He smirks and asks if they really want to know. The one wearing her "Acquire the Fire" shirt gives him a funny look and walks away, but the other stays and says he would like to really know.
"I have a headache from the acid trip I was on last night, which I'm sure came from when I fell on the floor after freaking out. I dropped the acid to try and escape the gnawing emptiness after having slept with about nine different chicks in the last month and a half. One of 'em says she missed her period but everyone else says she's a habitual liar and uses that kind of stuff to secure a relationship; I don't know what to think. I met her at a party and we were drunk and I didn't have any protection but she said she was on the pill so I don't know and I'm a little freaked about that."
The listener nods his head. "That's heavy, man. I'll be praying for you." He gets up and leaves with the derisive laughter of our hero following him. Throughout the day a few more people stop by and inquire of him and he repeats his tale to them all. Some respond with the offer of prayer, some tell him he needs to get right and repent, and one asks if he's doing okay. Our hero looks deeply into the inquirer's eyes and something within his mind clicks.
"No. I'm not okay." For the first time he utters the words; for the first time he articulates exactly how he's feeling and the actual state of his spirit. He's overtaken by a sense of relief and a burden loosened, yet not lifted... He falls back laughing. "I'm not okay at all! Everything's awful! I hate my life! And now I feel better! HA!!" The inquirer is certain our hero has lost his grip on reality and leaves him in the quad as the sun sets.
Not too long after, a Bible study leader is walking nearby on the way to his car and sees our hero lying in the grass. He calls out his name; our hero jolts up. They strike up conversation; the leader is filled in with our hero's oft-repeated story and the most recent development: the feeling of "okay" in admitting his not being such. The leader smiles.
"I know what you mean." Our hero looks at the leader and knows he's telling the truth. "So now what?" Our hero has no idea...
American Christian.XIV - We Are Not As Strong As We Think We Are
And with these our hells and our heavens
So few inches apart
We must be awfully small
And not as strong as we think we are
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I just don't get it," our hero laments.
"Of course not," the leader responds. "What do you want?" Our hero ponders the question and answers.
"I want the truth."
"Well, the truth is something you've never truly known, or truly been able to face in your past condition. But in some cases your unwillingness to see the truth has kept you from it."
Our hero gets indignant.
"What are you talking about; of course I want to see the truth!" The leader speaks to this assertion.
"When things occur and you don't recognize them you freak out and shout, 'This isn't what I asked for!'" Our hero opens his mouth to retort but has no words. He shuts his mouth and listens. "Maybe it is, though; maybe what you don't recognize as truth is."
"Maybe," our hero slowly says as the gears turn in his head, "I ask for things beyond my understanding and comprehension."
"Maybe," agrees the leader. "And isn't God just that? Look up there," the leader says, pointing to the night sky. "I see points of light in the sky and wish to know them; yet I can't even tell which of them are reflecting light and which of them are generating it. And which of them may even be billions of stars in a galactic formation that are so far away they appear to be only one single star?" Our hero continues to listen.
"And how easy it is to see a person as a one-dimensional spirit because we stand at such an emotional distance. We make no attempt to see the myriad parts that go together in the formation of that truly complex being.
"How can I hope to ask for things I do not understand without expecting disappointments so long as I use my own understanding as the unalterable frame of reference rather than as the one to be altered?"
Our hero and the leader look into the sky in wonder. Our hero asks, "So what do I do now?" The leader's answer is one that has spent 31 years in development.
"We can expect only nothing and simply be prepared to be surprised."
So few inches apart
We must be awfully small
And not as strong as we think we are
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I just don't get it," our hero laments.
"Of course not," the leader responds. "What do you want?" Our hero ponders the question and answers.
"I want the truth."
"Well, the truth is something you've never truly known, or truly been able to face in your past condition. But in some cases your unwillingness to see the truth has kept you from it."
Our hero gets indignant.
"What are you talking about; of course I want to see the truth!" The leader speaks to this assertion.
"When things occur and you don't recognize them you freak out and shout, 'This isn't what I asked for!'" Our hero opens his mouth to retort but has no words. He shuts his mouth and listens. "Maybe it is, though; maybe what you don't recognize as truth is."
"Maybe," our hero slowly says as the gears turn in his head, "I ask for things beyond my understanding and comprehension."
"Maybe," agrees the leader. "And isn't God just that? Look up there," the leader says, pointing to the night sky. "I see points of light in the sky and wish to know them; yet I can't even tell which of them are reflecting light and which of them are generating it. And which of them may even be billions of stars in a galactic formation that are so far away they appear to be only one single star?" Our hero continues to listen.
"And how easy it is to see a person as a one-dimensional spirit because we stand at such an emotional distance. We make no attempt to see the myriad parts that go together in the formation of that truly complex being.
"How can I hope to ask for things I do not understand without expecting disappointments so long as I use my own understanding as the unalterable frame of reference rather than as the one to be altered?"
Our hero and the leader look into the sky in wonder. Our hero asks, "So what do I do now?" The leader's answer is one that has spent 31 years in development.
"We can expect only nothing and simply be prepared to be surprised."
American Christian.XV - Divorce
Love must go both ways
But now the only way was me
So I must leave before I fall
Into your twisted misery
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The way I've been going, even before my "backslide" - it just hasn't been working.
Well, the gospel's not exactly a "get-holy-quick" scheme.
I know, but I've done everything they've said - prayed, read my bible, took notes in church, went to Sunday School all the time, Bible Study, the Wednesday night meetings, sung on the praise and worship team, been on the retreats, the summer missions trips... I've rededicated my life I don't know how many times... I've read all the books - Piper, Mahaney, Harris, Lewis, Tozer...
Are you a Christian or not?
Um...I guess so.
Well then, there you go.
There what goes?
You've already done it right; at least started right.
I don't get it.
I read this somewhere - In our relationship with God, we don't grow step-by-step; we're either there or we're not. God doesn't cleanse us more and more from our sin, but when we are in the light, walking in the light, we are cleansed from all sin. It's a question of obedience and instantly the relationship is perfected. Turn away for one second out of obedience and darkness and death are at work at once.
All of God's revelations are sealed until they're opened to us by obedience. You'll never get them open by philosophy or thinking. Immediately you obey, a flash of light comes. Let God's truth work in you by soaking in it, not by worrying into it. The only way you can get to know is to stop trying to find out and by being born again. Obey God in the the thing he shows you and instantly the next thing is opened up. One reads books and books on the work of the Holy Spirit when five minutes of drastic obedience would make things as clear as a sunbeam. It's not scholastic studies that do it, but obedience. Just the tiniest fragment of obedience, and heaven opens and the profoundest truths of God are yours right away. God will never reveal what you know already. Beware of becoming "wise and prudent."
Wow... So - all those books - they're pointless?
I wouldn't go so far as to say that; everything has its time and place. But I'd venture to say your expectations of them may be somewhat misplaced.
Okay... And going back to what you said at first - am I supposed to be "there" all the time? What do I do when I'm not in perfect obedience?
What do you think grace is for? :)
But now the only way was me
So I must leave before I fall
Into your twisted misery
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The way I've been going, even before my "backslide" - it just hasn't been working.
Well, the gospel's not exactly a "get-holy-quick" scheme.
I know, but I've done everything they've said - prayed, read my bible, took notes in church, went to Sunday School all the time, Bible Study, the Wednesday night meetings, sung on the praise and worship team, been on the retreats, the summer missions trips... I've rededicated my life I don't know how many times... I've read all the books - Piper, Mahaney, Harris, Lewis, Tozer...
Are you a Christian or not?
Um...I guess so.
Well then, there you go.
There what goes?
You've already done it right; at least started right.
I don't get it.
I read this somewhere - In our relationship with God, we don't grow step-by-step; we're either there or we're not. God doesn't cleanse us more and more from our sin, but when we are in the light, walking in the light, we are cleansed from all sin. It's a question of obedience and instantly the relationship is perfected. Turn away for one second out of obedience and darkness and death are at work at once.
All of God's revelations are sealed until they're opened to us by obedience. You'll never get them open by philosophy or thinking. Immediately you obey, a flash of light comes. Let God's truth work in you by soaking in it, not by worrying into it. The only way you can get to know is to stop trying to find out and by being born again. Obey God in the the thing he shows you and instantly the next thing is opened up. One reads books and books on the work of the Holy Spirit when five minutes of drastic obedience would make things as clear as a sunbeam. It's not scholastic studies that do it, but obedience. Just the tiniest fragment of obedience, and heaven opens and the profoundest truths of God are yours right away. God will never reveal what you know already. Beware of becoming "wise and prudent."
Wow... So - all those books - they're pointless?
I wouldn't go so far as to say that; everything has its time and place. But I'd venture to say your expectations of them may be somewhat misplaced.
Okay... And going back to what you said at first - am I supposed to be "there" all the time? What do I do when I'm not in perfect obedience?
What do you think grace is for? :)
American Christian.XVI - Rushing Wind
Rushing wind blow through this temple
Blowing out the dust within
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The experience is indescribable. Our hero runs, but for the first time not from anything - well, not just from anything, but to. He runs to Jesus. What does that mean?
He has his moment of clarity, a moment of crystallized self-awareness. It's like when Neo sees the computer code in the world around him. It's like when the ugly duckling realizes he's not an ugly duck - he's a swan.
All along the path, there's always been someone who has wanted something from our hero. They wanted his body to count in the statistics of how many followers they had. They wanted someone they could give rules and regulations to, because they felt no control over their own lives and sought to control his.
Our hero is also guilty - perhaps even the chief among those who have sinned against him - he wanted nothing but perfection from himself. He has learned to hate himself and expect nothing but failure from within, all the while demanding a flawless performance for the great cloud of witnesses. At once his hatred for himself and for the establishment is one and the same. Then it happens...
He sees it. In his mind's eye he sees the cross. Perfection is demanded, but perfection knows its creation has no hope of stepping up. So perfection, also known as love, makes a way - in this instance into the heart of our hero. Love removes our hero from the cross within his heart and takes his place. Our hero protests, but has no strength and he simply falls on his face.
Pity, sadness, compassion - the words "Jesus loves me" echo in his mind and like a gentle lightning bolt, brings his soul to life and he feels sorry - first for himself, but soon also for those he hated only a moment ago. He feels the pity - first for himself and then for others. He feels sad over his hopeless condition and a tear trickles down his cheek - then it expands out to his tormentors and grief overwhelms him. And then, compassion... He wants help - his spirit cries out and is answered with an assurance. The final words of the bible study leader now are whispered into his heart by the Holy Spirit - It's going to be all right.
A most blessed assurance, an inexplicable peace warms his soul like a small, but stout campfire in the middle of a bleak snowfield. He doesn't know how, but he knows everything is going to be all right - more than all right, even; but he doesn't want to get too far ahead of himself. For the first time he feels a real smile take its rightful place under his nose...
Blowing out the dust within
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The experience is indescribable. Our hero runs, but for the first time not from anything - well, not just from anything, but to. He runs to Jesus. What does that mean?
He has his moment of clarity, a moment of crystallized self-awareness. It's like when Neo sees the computer code in the world around him. It's like when the ugly duckling realizes he's not an ugly duck - he's a swan.
All along the path, there's always been someone who has wanted something from our hero. They wanted his body to count in the statistics of how many followers they had. They wanted someone they could give rules and regulations to, because they felt no control over their own lives and sought to control his.
Our hero is also guilty - perhaps even the chief among those who have sinned against him - he wanted nothing but perfection from himself. He has learned to hate himself and expect nothing but failure from within, all the while demanding a flawless performance for the great cloud of witnesses. At once his hatred for himself and for the establishment is one and the same. Then it happens...
He sees it. In his mind's eye he sees the cross. Perfection is demanded, but perfection knows its creation has no hope of stepping up. So perfection, also known as love, makes a way - in this instance into the heart of our hero. Love removes our hero from the cross within his heart and takes his place. Our hero protests, but has no strength and he simply falls on his face.
Pity, sadness, compassion - the words "Jesus loves me" echo in his mind and like a gentle lightning bolt, brings his soul to life and he feels sorry - first for himself, but soon also for those he hated only a moment ago. He feels the pity - first for himself and then for others. He feels sad over his hopeless condition and a tear trickles down his cheek - then it expands out to his tormentors and grief overwhelms him. And then, compassion... He wants help - his spirit cries out and is answered with an assurance. The final words of the bible study leader now are whispered into his heart by the Holy Spirit - It's going to be all right.
A most blessed assurance, an inexplicable peace warms his soul like a small, but stout campfire in the middle of a bleak snowfield. He doesn't know how, but he knows everything is going to be all right - more than all right, even; but he doesn't want to get too far ahead of himself. For the first time he feels a real smile take its rightful place under his nose...
American Christian.XVII - God Will LIft Up Your Head
Give to the wind your fears
Hope be undismayed
God hears your sighs and counts your tears
God will lift up your head
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Straight and narrow? How about rocky and thorny?"
Our hero learns that though the Christian life is described as a "walk" it ain't no walk in the park.
"Unless you're walking through Jurassic Park and the power's gone out again."
As soon as he becomes aware of an area of his life he needs to get in line with the Bible, every conceivable opportunity and possibility to sin more in that area leaps up at him. And it doesn't take long for him to feel like his failure rate outweighs his success rate.
"Man, this sucks."
Indeed it does valiant hero, indeed it does.
"It almost feels pointless. I keep screwing up - it's no different than before."
Ah, but it is. You see, our hero is actually -
"You can talk to me - I'm right here."
But this is for the blog, too.
"What?"
You've been raised up as an example for others to follow.
"Dude, you don't want people following my example. Every chance I get to do something right, I do something to fu-"
No, that's the point.
"?"
Remember what the bible study leader told you in the quad? The life of the Christian is one of obedience, not perfection. Just be obedient.
"Even when I screw up?"
Especially when you screw up. When you do screw up and sin more, what does the bible tell you to do?
"Confess 'em to God and not do it again."
Correct.
"But when I keep doing it..."
Doesn't matter. Stay obedient.
"How much forgiveness has God got left for me?"
How many drops of water are in the ocean?
"Lots."
Multiply that by a factor of ten, square it, add three, and you still wouldn't have exhausted 1% of God's forgiveness and love for you.
"Well shucks. :)"
Yeah. And God's working in you. You've got your part - be obedient - and he's got his part - working in the unseen areas of your life. He's calling you to the dark parts of your soul to bring the light of his gospel. And as you're on that inner journey with him, you're also on the outer journey, bringing the gospel to everyone around you.
"I...I haven't really said much to people."
It's okay. They're noticing.
"Really?"
Yup.
"Golly."
The time for words will come soon enough. Stay the course. Go to church. Be encouraged by those around you and encourage them.
God loves you.
Hope be undismayed
God hears your sighs and counts your tears
God will lift up your head
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Straight and narrow? How about rocky and thorny?"
Our hero learns that though the Christian life is described as a "walk" it ain't no walk in the park.
"Unless you're walking through Jurassic Park and the power's gone out again."
As soon as he becomes aware of an area of his life he needs to get in line with the Bible, every conceivable opportunity and possibility to sin more in that area leaps up at him. And it doesn't take long for him to feel like his failure rate outweighs his success rate.
"Man, this sucks."
Indeed it does valiant hero, indeed it does.
"It almost feels pointless. I keep screwing up - it's no different than before."
Ah, but it is. You see, our hero is actually -
"You can talk to me - I'm right here."
But this is for the blog, too.
"What?"
You've been raised up as an example for others to follow.
"Dude, you don't want people following my example. Every chance I get to do something right, I do something to fu-"
No, that's the point.
"?"
Remember what the bible study leader told you in the quad? The life of the Christian is one of obedience, not perfection. Just be obedient.
"Even when I screw up?"
Especially when you screw up. When you do screw up and sin more, what does the bible tell you to do?
"Confess 'em to God and not do it again."
Correct.
"But when I keep doing it..."
Doesn't matter. Stay obedient.
"How much forgiveness has God got left for me?"
How many drops of water are in the ocean?
"Lots."
Multiply that by a factor of ten, square it, add three, and you still wouldn't have exhausted 1% of God's forgiveness and love for you.
"Well shucks. :)"
Yeah. And God's working in you. You've got your part - be obedient - and he's got his part - working in the unseen areas of your life. He's calling you to the dark parts of your soul to bring the light of his gospel. And as you're on that inner journey with him, you're also on the outer journey, bringing the gospel to everyone around you.
"I...I haven't really said much to people."
It's okay. They're noticing.
"Really?"
Yup.
"Golly."
The time for words will come soon enough. Stay the course. Go to church. Be encouraged by those around you and encourage them.
God loves you.
American Christian.XVIII - Blessed Be Your Name
Every blessing you pour out I'll
Turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I'm gonna say:
Blessed be the Name of the Lord
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The words have been said to him over and over until they became trite. But now he's beginning to see the truth and reality of the matter.
"Only the man who has had to face despair is really convinced that he needs mercy. Those who do not want mercy never seek it. It is better to find God on the threshold of despair than to risk our lives in a complacency that has never felt the need of forgiveness. A life that is without problems may literally be more hopeless than one that always verges on despair."
Thank you, Thomas. Our hero has lived this lesson and, looking back, sees the footprints. He is learning to separate feeling from fact, though how he feels is always a matter of fact. But his feelings do not always accurately relate facts and he is learning to rely on Truth to see him through the storms. He is able to live Paul's exhortation and no matter what is facing him, he is able to maintain a good attitude.
He's learning contentment...but it's only been a month...
Turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I'm gonna say:
Blessed be the Name of the Lord
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The words have been said to him over and over until they became trite. But now he's beginning to see the truth and reality of the matter.
"Only the man who has had to face despair is really convinced that he needs mercy. Those who do not want mercy never seek it. It is better to find God on the threshold of despair than to risk our lives in a complacency that has never felt the need of forgiveness. A life that is without problems may literally be more hopeless than one that always verges on despair."
Thank you, Thomas. Our hero has lived this lesson and, looking back, sees the footprints. He is learning to separate feeling from fact, though how he feels is always a matter of fact. But his feelings do not always accurately relate facts and he is learning to rely on Truth to see him through the storms. He is able to live Paul's exhortation and no matter what is facing him, he is able to maintain a good attitude.
He's learning contentment...but it's only been a month...
American Christian.XIX - Sober
And I don't know, I could crash and burn but maybe
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me
So I won't worry about my timing
I want to get it right
No comparing, second-guessing, no not this time
Three months and I'm still breathing
Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in
But I know it's never really over
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three months and our hero's still standing.
Three months and he's still learning.
Three months of good days and bad.
Three months of realizing he can never go back, no matter how tempting it feels sometimes.
Three months down and life to go.
Our hero looks into the mists of the daily unknown, takes a breath, and continues walking.
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me
So I won't worry about my timing
I want to get it right
No comparing, second-guessing, no not this time
Three months and I'm still breathing
Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in
But I know it's never really over
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three months and our hero's still standing.
Three months and he's still learning.
Three months of good days and bad.
Three months of realizing he can never go back, no matter how tempting it feels sometimes.
Three months down and life to go.
Our hero looks into the mists of the daily unknown, takes a breath, and continues walking.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
